So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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