This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
