I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
