what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
she told me i tasted like america
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize