I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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