last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize