I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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