I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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