hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
