I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize