Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
