I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
