tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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