My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
