Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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