The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
