I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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