the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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