Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
