her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
