The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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