Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
