walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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