I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
