What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize