i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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