Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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