There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
