dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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