Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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