Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
