my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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