Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize