Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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