non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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