i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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