i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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