I wish my penis had an off switch
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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