Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
