i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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