mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
