I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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