You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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