in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
