I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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