It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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