I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
