Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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