capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
