i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
