I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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