He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
