I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The best revenge is premature balding
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
