Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
