I wish my penis had an off switch
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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