I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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