Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
