I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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