I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
