The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
