I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
