Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
two words: eviction party
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
