I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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