ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
