Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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