News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
