Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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