He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
