i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
