I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
