Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize