Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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