sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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