Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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